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miha1235 · New Member Joined: 09 Nov 2008 Posts: 28 Location: canada

your in love but your parents object but would you still marry they guy?
Confused

Tril · Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 11:36 am Post subject:

Not right away. You may be making a life long choice... between one man and your entire family. Think long and hard on that one. For me, any man worth marrying is a man who wouldn't want me to lose my family over him... and HE would be doing whatever it took to make things right with my parents.

What's their objection? Is it something that can be "fixed"?

miha1235 · New Member Joined: 09 Nov 2008 Posts: 28 Location: canada

nop it cant but its not his fault my parents just wont except him Confused

Tril · Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject:

Well... then you two have a big decision to make. And so do your parents. They can either accept him and keep you, or lose you both. I'm not sure I could have married a man and lost my family... or given up my love because of their beliefs. I don't envy you.

As a parent... I have to say it would totally depend on why I couldn't accept the marriage. If my child was in danger from this person (abusive relationship) I would do every thing in my power to keep them from getting married. If it were anything else... I'd find a way to accept that person rather than lose my relationship with one of my sons. I've been through that once... and will do about anything to avoid ever going through that again. It wasn't the answer to our problems. We ALL learned that the hard way. We were lucky... we worked it out. I hope you can, too.

Take your time deciding...

Tril

PortoBella · Guest

Hmmmm well I would have to look at why my parents weren't accepting him. If it is something stupid like race, then yes. If it were something like 'hes been in jail' or 'a drug addict' i would listen to them. Also, how old are you? Some people get married too young and it results in disaster.

miha1235 · New Member Joined: 09 Nov 2008 Posts: 28 Location: canada

yap its sumthin 2 do with race , his very calm and not into crazy stuff.
im in my early twenties Smile

PortoBella · Guest

I would say go for it. It is wrong to not accept someone for their race and you have every right to marry him if you love him.

loser lady · Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject:

I don't believe in leaving a relationship because of an objection to race but I would say this; if you decide to go ahead with the marriage, as much as possible, leave the door open to staying in contact with your family afterward. A lot of times parents get very upset about their child's choice and not everyone handles themselves well. As bad as this is, ruptures can heal if people find a way to keep the lines of communication open. The break only becomes permanent if everyone refuses to talk.

In the meantime, build a relationship with your young gentleman's family if at all possible. When you marry, your spouse's family becomes your family and you will find their loving support very helpful. If they also have problems, this is something you will need to deal with up front.

I'd also say make sure you guys take your time to make sure your relationship doesn't have other stresses. Get any education completed, make sure everyone is working, etc and finances are okay. My point is marriage isn't easy and if your parents object, that makes it harder. Do what you need to do to make sure your marriage won't have other issues to trouble it.

Take care

LL

Tril · Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject:

I've been thinking about this... and I have to say, I don't think I would have married a man my parents were adamantly against. I might have remained in a relationship with him... but not married him... not until my parents came around. It may be "their issue"... but if you marry him, it becomse YOUR issue, too. I just know, in my heart of hearts, that I couldn't have looked my father in the eyes and told him I was doing it anyway... and walked away... risking that I'd lose my dad. Nope, wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And I can easily step into your shoes on this, Miha... my dad was like your parents. Now that I'm married and had kids and lost my dad... I can't imagine anything more precious, more important, than my children having grandparents. If you marry against your parent's wishes... and that severs your relationship with them... YOU are denying your children their grandparents.

But, that's me... you'll have to decide what to do for you.

Tril

miha1235 · New Member Joined: 09 Nov 2008 Posts: 28 Location: canada

thanks every1 i really appreciate ur advice Very Happy

Tril · Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject:

Miha... it's easy for LL and I to say what we'd do. We've both been married a long time and we're a lot older than you. Experience and life have given us a different perspective. We're looking back... you're looking forward into the unknown. Just give this decision as much consideration as you can. Try to look down the road and ask yourself... am I willing to lose something in order to gain something? Only you can answer that.

Tril

loser lady · Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:31 am Post subject:

Miha, I do have to agree with Tril on this...give this decision every consideration and then some. It is so easy to be frustrated with people you love, especially when it's hard to distinguish between their concern for you and them not being able to accept you are an adult making an adult decision.

Let me say this...few adults I know make the momentous decisions quickly and the decision you are contemplating doesn't get any bigger. If this is not a decision you have to make today, don't make it today. Give your beloved and your family time to become used to each other. Watch to see who, if anyone, gives you an ultimatum - Be wary of anyone impatient or anyone who tries to force the issue - and don't you give ultimatums either. Remember, love is patient and kind, never boastful. I think if you give it time, you will know the right action to take. Just give yourself time to be sure. And let folks know you are always willing to talk and listen. If possible, get the help of a trusted family friend, therapist or minister to mediate with folks who are upset - lines of communication can be stretched, they really don't have to break.

Yes, it's been a long time for some of us; (BTW, you should know, no matter how good the relationship is, there will always be times you wonder if you made the right choice) but remember, the choice of spouse is the single most important choice of your life; he or she is the only family you ever choose and, if you choose well, that's the person who will be beside you when your children marry and when you bury your own parents. Don't make a choice until you are ready to choose - and you know what? When that time comes, I bet you won't need to ask the advice of your internet buddies - you'll know.

Take care...

LL